My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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