mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize