I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
