The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
