It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
