PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
