I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
