did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
