just come out here and I will go home with you...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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