I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
