I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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