last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
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