I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
