You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
