I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
