i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
