Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
