my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
