come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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