First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
my poor anus
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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