You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
