ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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