Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
