I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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