My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
