You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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