i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
