I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
