I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
