i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
