I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
