He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
