I think my fart just growled at me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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