Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
