my phone needs a breathalizer
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
