the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
