Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
