My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
