U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
