Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
