I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
porn star boner night. come get it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
