you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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