its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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