I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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