chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
did i walk over a car last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
