so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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