I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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