Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We need to get me chipped asap
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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