careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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