When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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