My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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