I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
