i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
