I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
