I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
