do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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