I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
