god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
