She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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