and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
