so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
