I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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